15 Ways to Be Direct In Your Communication Without Being Rude

Episode 80: 15 Ways to Be Direct In Your Communication Without Being Rude

In this episode, Holly Hibbard - Executive Leadership Coach & Corporate Relationship Consultant - shares with you...

• techniques to convey your thoughts directly and respectfully, crucial for enhancing interpersonal relationships in the workplace. (Effective Communication Strategies)
• how to foster a positive corporate culture by using "I feel" statements and acknowledging team members' experiences, making you a more relatable and effective leader. (Leadership Insights)
• practical tips that you can implement immediately to boost productivity and connection within your team, making your professional communication more efficient and impactful. (Real-World Applications)

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Transcript

Hey, everyone.
Welcome back to The Holly Hibbard Show.
If you are new here, hi.
I'm Holly.
Good to meet you.
Thank you so much for tuning in.
Today, I'm going to do a little bit of a, for me, throwback session in the sense where a lot of the content that I created many, many years ago was inspired by things that I came across in my day to day life.
Interactions that I saw between 2 people in my world while I was out and about doing my thing or a news story that was happening, something that was culturally relevant of the times and in the moment.
And with today's episode, it also come from things where I am scrolling social media and I see an article or a graphic or a quote and I think, wow, that is really interesting.
And I would begin in those moments to glean some ideas on, okay, how can I take this new information, this new perspective and apply it to my life to make my professional life more streamlined, have it be productive, effective, efficient?
And then because I am by nature an educator and a teacher, the next thought I had is how do I teach this to others?
And that is where all of my content ideas came from for many, many, many years and oftentimes it still does.
So with that, today I'm going to be sharing with you 15 ways that you can be direct in your communication without being rude.
Now some of you, your ears might have just perked up a little bit when I said without being rude because maybe you are similar to me, someone who has been in a leadership role or is in a leadership role or considers yourself a pretty great leader of your own life, and you have a lot of heart.
You care an immense amount.
And for someone like myself, I well, I can only speak for myself.
I found over time that because I cared so much that people would recognize and feel my compassion, it was very difficult for me for years to communicate in a direct fashion.
I was more concerned with how I was going to be perceived in my delivery then I was concerned that my delivery might be too clouded and therefore lack clarity, create lack of efficiency, and there and therefore create a lack of productivity as well or connection amongst people.
And so I like of these 15 ways I'm going to be highlighting for you today, I like that you're gonna have an opportunity in this episode to pick and choose 2 to 3, I would say, that you can put in place in your organization, in your professional interactions over, let's say, the next thirty days and give them a try.
I'm not expecting you to go and do all of 15 of these at 1 time.
That would simply be impractical and overwhelming.
And for some of you, there's no there's no particular order I'm going to be sharing these with you in.
So for some of you, you're going to hear 2 or 3 ideas and think, oh, that's exactly what I wanna try because it fits the intention that you have set for yourself that you know is going to help you become a better leader.
All of us, I believe, know what it is we want to grow into, especially when it comes to communication.
We know how we want to improve, but sometimes we don't know what that looks like as an action or as a committed task.
And so as I lay out for you here these 15 ways for you to be directing your communication without being rude.
Think of it like a buffet is being rolled out in front of you, and you can pick and choose 2 or 3 things at a time, try them out, decide if it works for you, for your organization.
And how you'll know it's working is because when you try out this new tool or strategy or way that you communicate, 1, you'll notice you actually do it, so that is a sign that it's working.
2, it feels authentic for you.
It doesn't feel forced.
It doesn't feel like it isn't you saying it.
And 3, the most important part, your communication from this way, from this method, you notice gives you the result that you are after.
So that result could be an increased level of connection with your team with within your organization, a boost in the morale of your corporate culture.
It could look like pro productivity happening in fewer steps.
Right?
So there's more efficiency.
But that's you wanna choose your metric.
But if number 1, you'd wanting to do it, and number 2, it feels authentic and easy for you, if those 2 pieces are not present for you, then, personally, I don't really care if it lends you to number 3 because if it can't feel like second nature for you in time, then it I was I would put it on the board as this doesn't work.
So here we go.
I'm gonna roll out for you these 15 ways to be direct in your communication without being rude.
And remember, it doesn't mean that people won't know that you care.
In fact, the more skilled you become as a communicator, people will know that you care.
And I'm going to highlight those as I ex as I go through these here.
Method number 1, a way to communicate to be direct without being rude is to give a context in a conversation.
So in another way of saying this is like, what's the mood?
What's the vibe of the conversation?
So for example, if I sit down and share with somebody my opinion on the way they are getting a project done.
I need to, before I jump right into that, lend them a sentence to to give them an idea of where are we going to go with this.
So what that might sound like is I'm mentioning this to you because I'm mentioning this to you because I know you have seemed a bit more stressed in the last week, and I think what I'm about to share with you can help alleviate that.
So I'm giving my intention.
I'm sharing with them.
This is, this is the sense that I'm getting.
This is the vibe that I'm getting.
I have to own in that statement that this is my interpretation of what I'm seeing.
I can say to the person, I'm sensing you're stressed, or I get a feeling that you're stressed.
And then am I right about that?
And it's okay if you're not, but get instead of me coming out and saying, I'm mentioning this to you because you're stressed out.
Like, then you're telling them what they're experiencing and you don't actually know.
So that's tip number 1 is to have these direct conversations and start them off with the context.
What's the scene?
Set the stage.
I'm mentioning this to you because and then explain why it's important that you have the conversation.
Don't make it long winded, and then tell them the thing that you want to tell them.
This is how we want to support you.
This is the new way or new method that you can attempt.
Method number 2, to be direct in your communication without being rude, you want to phrase your statements with I feel dot dot dot or I think instead of, saying things like, well, you never or you always.
If you are a person like me and you have known for years and years and years that every relationship on the planet, professional and personal, all comes down to how well you do with communication, then this method here, number 2, is not 1 that's probably new to your ears.
It's very easy for any of us, especially when we are frustrated, stressed, your team is not getting along, the results is not what you want it to be.
It is so much easier to point the finger at others, and it might not even be in a malicious way.
But you could automatically say something and go use extreme terms like you never or you always.
And there's 2 mistakes in that.
The first one being that you you're saying the word you to them.
You do this thing.
You're talking about that person.
You're not putting the ownership on yourself and your interpretation of it.
And the second mistake there is to use those extreme words like never and always.
So a redo of that is you catch yourself in those communicative moments where you're saying you never or you always or you're thinking about it, you can stop yourself mid sentence and shift it to I feel or I think.
I use this often, by the way, when there are moments of conflict or I just did this a few moments ago where I was saying, you know, it's common for people.
And I stopped myself and I said, well, I can only speak of my experience.
I feel.
I think.
And I bring the ownership back to myself, because the minute you say to somebody you never or you always, it triggers a defense mechanism.
It doesn't mean that you have to be malicious to to trigger that either.
Like, you can simply say those words and people naturally become defensive.
Method number 3 of how you can be directing your communication without being rude is keep your voice calm and even.
And what I mean by calm and even, the word that comes to mind for me is neutral, to keep your tone neutral.
If your tone is overly excitable, if your tone is too loud or is loud, not too loud, but is loud, or if you are speaking very quietly or speaking very succinctly, there is an interpretation that folks will have while they're listening to you about your feelings.
They're gonna think that you feel a certain way about something and that may or may not be true.
But what can really support if we want to ensure that we are communicating a direct fashion, is by keeping your tone calm, keeping it even.
The best way I can describe this is, let's say, you have a difficult time setting boundaries with someone or a boundary within the organization.
I have shared with my clients in the past that consider setting the boundary the same way that you would teach a toddler how to do something.
It doesn't need to be uplifting and cheery.
It also doesn't need to be demeaning.
But you can state the boundary and say, I end my workday at 05:30PM and I don't answer emails or calls until my workday begins the next day.
That is an example of how you say it calmly and evenly.
And if somebody breaches the boundary, I turn into a broken record.
But I'm a broken record that speaks calmly and evenly.
So once again, I will repeat myself in a calm and even fashion.
My workday ends at 05:30PM.
I'll be happy to take phone calls and answer emails when my workday begins the next day at 9AM or whatever it is.
So it's that repetitive, repetitive, repetitive, but we don't need to escalate our tone.
Just keep it calm and even and you can still have direct communication.
Can some people be like, oh, she's being rude or being cold or being stoic?
Sure.
And we're not ever gonna win everybody, but I really like this tool because you can own this 1.
Number 4, how to be directing communication without being rude.
Be concise.
Be concise.
And I laugh because I know that I do these episodes oftentimes completely off the cuff and I get a little wordy in storytelling and it's my show and that's how I am.
If you sit and chat with me, that's how I am anyway.
So with being concise, this is a way that you can bring the conversation back to the topic at hand if it has gone off the rail to a completely different topic and or you have a very strict timeline of how long each topic in this meeting or interaction, what have you, needs to take.
So this can be something simple like saying, let's focus on the main issue here, or let's come back to this person's point from before.
So, for example, let's say you are leading a meeting and person a is sharing their input on the project.
And while they're doing their input on the project, person b asks a question and then person C jumps in and says, Oh, well, we tried something like that before and this and this and this.
And then person D jumps in and says, Yeah, I don't know about that.
You as a leader are responsible for reining it in and saying, all right, let's refocus on the main issue here.
Person A, can you summarize what you said before in 2 sentences?
Cool.
Thank you.
I mean, just keep reminding them and it can be that specific.
Can you restate what you said in a couple sentences or in thirty seconds or less?
Because sometimes, especially when people are speaking and they're being interrupted or there's questions, it can throw people's focus completely off and that can generate nervousness and then people over talk.
And it's a simple phrase.
Let's focus on the main issue here.
It just reins it in.
Bring it back to the person that you want to have the floor, and keep going.
And don't be afraid to use time stamps.
Don't be afraid to say, can you say that in thirty seconds or less?
Or can you say that in 3 sentences or less?
Just so we get the main idea.
Method number 5, when it comes to being direct with your communication without being rude, before you respond, please listen to the other side.
This 1 is so critical and there's a difference between reacting and responding.
Reacting often feels like when you're listening to someone, you're actually not hearing what they have to say.
You're instead waiting for your turn to talk because you want to share something or add something or segue into something entirely different.
So instead of reacting, we want to respond to the person by first allowing them to finish their thought and what they have to say.
And again, before you reply to them or respond, take a pause, make sure you fully have heard them out.
Now if you were in a situation where you have a time crunch, like I was just talking about a second ago, you may need to, again, rein it in.
Because there are people who talk and talk and talk and talk and talk, and they are not aware that everyone's eyes at the table have glazed over and nobody is listening any longer.
But you, as an emotionally intelligent leader, you see that and notice that, so you get to be the 1 to interrupt their very long stream of talking and bring it back.
Okay?
But you can also, to show them that you did listen to the majority, you can say something like, I appreciate everything you have to say and we need to move on.
Is there a 1 more sentence or summary?
Or you can give a quick sentence summary and then move on to the next thing.
Strategy number 6 to be directing your communication without being rude, you want to acknowledge the other person's human experience.
They have their own feelings.
They have their own thoughts.
They have their own ideas.
So you can say to the person, I understand.
Why you x y z?
Now if you don't understand their perspective, if you do not understand why they feel the way they feel or the why they see things the way they see things, please don't use this 1.
Don't lie and say that I understand why you dot dot dot if you really, like, don't understand.
This this will actually be numb I'll move into number 7 here in a second because so if you really do feel like you relate to the person, you understand where they're coming from, I understand why you and use this phrase.
Now if you don't understand, let's go to method number 7 to be directing your communication without being rude.
If you don't understand where they're coming from, methods number 7 is to ask them questions.
I've told you this before.
As a professional certified coach, I am a professional asker of questions.
That's why I have a podcast, so I have somewhere to talk.
Because when I'm with my clients, I am listening and listening and asking questions so that they can get deeper answers for themselves.
So if you are with someone and in a professional setting or even a personal setting and amongst your team or between you and this colleague is just not making sense to you and you cannot relate, simply ask them, can you explain more about that?
Or in coaching world for me, I'll say, tell me more about that.
Or can you elaborate on that for me?
Can you give me an example of that?
Don't be afraid to ask them to clarify what they have to say.
Because remember, in their mind, they're seeing it, they're feeling it, they're experiencing it.
It makes total sense to them and they're either going to over communicate it where it's not gonna make sense at all, or they're gonna under communicate and not explain it fully.
So for you to get the clarity that you want from this person to really aim to understand where they're coming from, ask them to tell you more about that.
Method number 8, we want to be in a practice of offering solutions.
Now, there are 2 types of people.
There are fixers and there are people who can fix, but don't don't impose I need to fix everything on everything.
You probably know which 1 you are.
I am a solutions oriented person, so I really enjoy offering solutions.
But 1 of the practices I had to put in play for a long time because I was a fixer to some extent is I had to learn to ask somebody if they would like my opinion.
Or can I share an idea with you?
Or can what if we would try this instead?
I ask them if they're open to hearing the idea.
Now, if you are speaking to a colleague, you were in a leadership role, you are their manager, their supervisor, well, maybe there's a company culture that you exist in that if you're in a position of superiority, you don't need to ask their permission.
However, it is seen as very much respectful when you do.
What if we try it this way instead?
It's a great way to open the door to offering a solution instead of just telling them, well, what we should do is this and this and this and this.
Because then you can get perceived as a fixer, and it also then can be perceived that you don't trust that person to come up with a solution on their own.
That person might think that you're just gonna keep spitting solutions at them until you get what you want, to happen as a result.
Method number 9, to have your communication be direct without being rude.
Really be specific.
Be specific.
So you wanna say something like, when this happens, I feel this way, so I would like to dot dot dot.
And just in that 1 format of a sentence, you're getting 3 things in.
The first part of it again is when this happens, you're, you're in that first portion, you're telling them the specific event that is causing you to communicate this point to them right now.
The second part of the sentence is, I feel this way.
So in the second component, you're able to share with them your interpretation of it, your feeling around it, the issue that you see with it.
And the last component of the sentence, so I would like to dot dot dot is an opportunity for you to suggest a solution.
So I would so it could sound something like, when when the team is late for a team meeting, I feel frustrated and sometimes disrespected.
So I'd like to add to the next meeting a couple minutes to brainstorm how we can ensure that we can begin that meeting timely every single time, because maybe it's something we can do together.
So it's 1 sentence that can make your communication direct and cover many bases within 1 sentence.
Method number 10, having your communication be direct without being rude is choose the right moment.
Oh my goodness.
There is such a thing as a good time and a bad time to have conversations and not just when it's bad news.
Right?
I think if we know, for example, that we have to deliver bad news to a colleague or say, hey, you know, this project's not working and that we're running two days behind or this vendor didn't come through or I'm missing a PO on this thing, whatever it may be, we in those moments might be a little more delicate about the timing with which we go and talk to people because we're having a crisis moment.
Oh, okay.
We need to fix this.
Let's talk about this right now.
I don't care what you're doing.
I'm gonna interrupt it because this is more urgent.
However, if you are in the day to day and everyone is not in crisis mode and they're doing the thing that they are doing in their career that they're supposed to in their professional role, It is so important that when you approach a colleague or someone that you manage or your own supervisor or the owner of the company, it's important to start out by saying, is this a good time to talk about something?
Or that's kind of heavy in some scenarios.
You can go to their door or call them up or text them and say, do you have three minutes for a phone call?
Or is this a good time where I can ask you a question?
And give them the opportunity to pause and say, yeah.
Go ahead.
What is it?
Or give them the opportunity to reply to you and say, actually, let me finish this up.
Can we talk in ten minutes?
Because, again, some folks like me, when I get in the zone and I am focused on the project, if I get interrupted, it is very difficult, not impossible, but it's difficult for me to come back to it.
So if I'm in the literally in the middle of writing an email and someone needs to ask me a question, I have to oftentimes tell the person, can you give me three minutes to finish what I'm doing?
Because I wanna make sure that I complete the loops.
I wanna close the circles, in my productivity.
And all these little micro interruptions all day long, it does stop productivity and it impedes efficiency.
And this is 1 of the ways that we can turn that around.
Method number 11, if you want to be direct without being rude is show appreciation.
Show appreciation.
It can be a simple thank you.
It can be somebody who listened to you and listened to your ideas and whether they're gonna do something with it or not, just say, you know, thank you for hearing me out on this or thanks for taking the time to answer my question.
Saying thank you is so simple and so many people do not do it.
Like, because we have this assumption of, well, I work here, you work here, we're all being compensated to be here, therefore we're supposed to do these things, So why do I need to go above and beyond and show appreciation?
Because that is what boosts company morale.
That is what have people has people feel in your organization, seen and heard and wanted and understood, and therefore they are more likely to take their role not only seriously, but have pride in their work.
Method number 12, please talk in private if the topic is sensitive.
I so wish this 1 could go without saying, but I think people vastly underestimate what a private setting needs to look like.
Private setting might look like exiting the building in some cases, because an office location has very minimal, like, padding in the walls and privacy and places to have these conversations.
Also, especially if the conversation is sensitive and somebody can be hurt or frustrated or further stressed out or getting bad news or not getting the feedback that they desire, changing the environment will help that person feel like they have an emotionally safe place to maybe express that emotion if they need to or just take a moment by themselves to breathe.
The other reason that taking sensitive topics to a private area or office or just stepping outside the building together and having some privacy, really important because it levels the playing field.
If you think about a parent and a teenager and they're in the home and the parent wants to have a heart to heart with the teenager, well, that home is the parents' turf.
They own it.
They run it.
They're the ones that have all the rules.
Okay?
So in the office, the bosses have this.
The managers have this.
The owners have this.
The supervisors have this.
Well, a parent and a teenager having that conversation at home, the teenager just by being in that location is going to feel disadvantaged in the conversation from the get go.
They're gonna be more on the defense because they're not on their own turf.
They're on their parents' turf.
As a teenager, they don't have turf.
Okay?
And us professionally, the same idea can be applied by taking a conversation to a neutral place.
Even just stepping outside of the building or going to a coffee shop for fifteen minutes.
Something like that puts the 2 of you on neutral ground.
It takes you to a location where the boss is left the boss.
It's just 2 people grabbing a coffee or 2 people sitting at lunch at a restaurant.
Neutral ground because it isn't 1 person's turf.
It's not perceived that way.
So that really helps these conversations become more direct and don't seem rude from the get go.
Method number 13, please stay positive.
Do your best to stay positive.
I'm not a fan of bumper sticker wisdom like don't worry, be happy.
I really believe in coming to a place where we can be solution oriented and be optimistic that the solution is out there.
The solution will come.
It will work out for us in time.
This might not be the time it works out, but it will work out.
And just having that belief and sharing that with your team and in your organization and saying, I believe we can solve this.
I know we can solve this.
I'm not certain exactly how just yet, and I believe that we're going to make it work.
That goes so far, everybody.
That goes so far.
That is what positivity can look like without it being toxic positivity.
Right?
Method number 14, if you want your communication to be direct without being rude.
If you have a conversation that felt like it it was there to solve a problem, when that conversation is over, what either immediately after or the next day, go back to that person and just thank them for that time and say something like, I feel like we're on the same page now, and I'm really glad we were able to have that conversation.
Just to reiterate that you accomplished your goal in that direct communication of getting on the same page, having as close to the same understanding and certainly the same mission, as this person that you had the conversation with.
It reinforces that you have common ground in that.
And finally, method number 15, if you wanna have direct communication without being rude, I love this 1.
Please admit your mistakes.
Admit your mistakes.
I will call this owning your mistakes.
So it can sound something like, I realize I may have contributed to this misunderstanding.
Or it could sound something like, I know that I sent you that email, or I know that I said x y z on the phone.
And I think what I said came out really muddy and confusing, and I own that.
That's my responsibility, and I'd like to take the time to clean it up.
But I acknowledge that I could have done a better job there.
If you are in a leadership role and you have the willingness to admit to your mistakes, even to people who are not direct colleagues of yours or superiors to you, but to the people you are managing, your respect points will go up infinitely.
It is so important that they know that you are not expecting perfection because you know that you yourself are going to make mistakes.
And people who walk around in leadership roles and think to themselves, I can't let them see me mess up.
I can't show them that I have made mistakes because that'll make me seem weak.
It's the opposite.
It is the opposite.
I'm not saying make a mess of yourself just for the sake of pointing it out and telling everybody how imperfect you are.
But if it's something that makes sense to share with them, hey.
You know, I thought this was gonna go left and it went right or the opposite, people appreciate that.
It makes you human and more approachable and it connects teams very quickly when you have, as a leader, the willingness and the ability to do that.
So this was a chock full episode.
I would love to hear from you in the comments or in reply.
What 1 or 2 strategies are you going to implement for the next thirty days?
I just laid out the entire buffet of options for you, 15 different ways that you can communicate and be direct without being rude.
Share with me in the comments which 1 or 2 you're gonna give a go and who you're going to be putting this in place with.
Is it with people you're leading?
People that lead you, mentor you, are your superiors, are the business owners of your organization?
I wanna know how this works in your life.
So that's all I have for this episode.
Thank you again so much for tuning in, and until next time, I will talk to you next time.